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flashback friday.

today's flashback friday is from my senior prom, 2004.

i will never forget the times i've had with these people.

[jennifer, me, stacey, matt]

my Stronghold.

 "Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."
-psalm 37:24.


the past few days have brought with them emotions that range from each end of the spectrum.

sadness to happiness, reminiscing to regret,

smiles to tears, thankfulness to wishful thinking. 

things that went unsaid. forgiveness that will never be known. coulda, shoulda, woulda.

i've repented of these things, and now the Lord is working to heal my heart.

yet there was still restlessness in my soul. i couldn't shake it.

it wasn't until i caught myself thinking things like:

"you don't deserve to cry." or "you waited too long. it's your fault."

i had repented and asked the Lord to forgive me, but i had not yet forgiven myself. 

 "you need to release yourself from the bondage of unforgiveness. 
if God chose to forgive you, who are you to hang onto something that God chose to let go of?"
[via]

my debt has been paid. i am a new creation in Christ.
He has forgiven me, and now i must forgive myself.

through all this pain and hurt, He is Healer, Sustainer, Comforter, Savior, Redeemer.
 the Lord is holding me. He is the sole reason i'm able to function.

 
 ⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge.
[psalm 62:5-8]

a broken and repentant heart.

to say this weekend was tough would be the understatement of the year.
i got the news friday evening that a friend who i was extremely close to had been killed in a car accident.
her husband was killed as well, but their daughter survived.
the news was like a dagger in my heart. weeping and sobbing followed. and then there it was: guilt.

two years ago, i abruptly ended that friendship.
i gave her no reason, no explanation.
things had been said that hurt me to the core. i cut off all contact.

now jennifer will never know that i forgave her long ago.
she will never know that i still thought about her often.
she will never know that the hurt and pain i had is gone.
she will never know those things. i told mama recently that i wanted to reconcile with her.
i waited too late because now she is gone.

after two days of tears, guilt, and brokenness, i couldn't bear the burden anymore.
i opened my bible and there was leviticus 5:5:
"when you become aware of your guilt in any of these ways, you must confess your sin."
so that's exactly what i did.

it's going to take some time to heal. some days will be harder than others.
but the Lord has been working in my heart this year,
and i have no doubt He will use this for His glory in some way.

i came across psalm 51 this am. when king david realized his sin - broken and guilt-ridden - he called on nathan the prophet and poured out his soul. psalm 51 is my prayer for the coming days.
(and please keep the matt and jennifer's daughter and families in your prayers.)

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
² Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
³ For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
⁴ Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.
⁵ For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
⁶ But you desire honesty from the womb,
    teaching me wisdom even there.

⁷ Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Oh, give me back my joy again;
    you have broken me—
    now let me rejoice.
⁹ Don’t keep looking at my sins.
    Remove the stain of my guilt.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God.
    Renew a loyal spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not banish me from your presence,
    and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.
¹³ Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
    and they will return to you.
¹⁴ Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
    then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
¹⁵ Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.

¹⁶ You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
¹⁸ Look with favor on Zion and help her;
    rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—
    with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings.
    Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

 i started blogging HERE now! make sure to follow along!

flashback friday.

meet my grandparents.
i never got to meet my grandpa dale. 

my grandma gracie - she was an angel. she loved Jesus more than anything. she is my hero.

you'd think the president was coming to town.

well, he did. 

my little hometown, cushing, oklahoma, has been buzzing since last week about the president's arrival. 

whether you like him or not, whether you agree with him or not, he is still the president. 

and the fact that he came to the place i've called home for 25 years makes me proud of where i grew up.

little notes.

dear parmesan goldfish:
i consumed half the bag while watching new girl last night. your yummy goodness is out of this world.

dear the walking dead:
oh, mylanta. that season finale was superb. please keep herschel next season.

dear hunger games:
two. more. days.

dear draw something:
you bring to light that my drawing abilities resemble that of a five-year-old. but you are too much fun.

dear mr. ohp,
thank you for not pulling me over and giving me a ticket. i like to pretend i am racing. and i totally didn't see you driving right next to me, witnessing my (awesome) driving skills.

dear readers:
for being awesome and reading this little blog of mine, i'm going to divulge a secret that i've only told my mama: i secretly want to be a female christian rap artist. spittin' rhymes while reppin' Jesus.

my dearest Savior:
yesterday was tough. just when i wanted to give up, You gave me the strength to keep going. You are molding me into the woman You want me to be. thank You for Your word and thank you for spring flowers.

happy first day of spring!

all photos copyright of amber kanady photography

over the weekend.

i spent the weekend:

studying the Word.

had a session in the park with the cutest little family.

discovered the blooms lost their petals. that's some fierce oklahoma wind.

there were several episodes of the golden girls and the OC that were watched. 

m&m's were consumed by the handfuls.

my sunday afternoon nap was delightful.

gasping, shock, and a little sadness happened during the season finale of the walking dead.

i discovered the best gradual self-tanning lotion under the sun. see what i did there?

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flashback friday.

today's flashback friday is courtesy of old facebook photos from july 21, 2008.

 oh, my little brudder.

compassion.

i had recently felt that God was calling me to do something, but wasn't sure exactly what it was.
it took four different circumstances until i finally said, "oh, that's You, Lord."

sometimes i need to be smacked in the face to see things clearly. 

• a friend of mine is traveling to uganda on a mission trip.
• i read the book, collision. one of the main characters lives in uganda. the stories of uganda in the book are straight from the journal of the author when she traveled there years ago. as i read, there was a stirring in my soul, something i just couldn't shake. 
• KONY 2012. this movement erupted on the internet within hours of finishing collision. again, there was uganda before my eyes and tugging at my heart. 
• finally, a friend on facebook posted a link to the compassion website. compassion is a "Christian child advocacy ministry that releases children from spiritual, economic, social and physical poverty and enables them to become responsible, fulfilled Christian adults." you can sponsor a child from anywhere in the world.

i didn't have to question what the Lord was calling me to do;
the answer was staring back at me on the computer screen with the biggest smile.
after some prayer, i became a sponsor! meet my sponsor child: 

 how precious is she?! my eyes tear up every time i look at her picture. 

she is six years old, and she is from, you guessed it, uganda.

my prayer for her is that she will grow up healthy and happy.

i pray she thrives in school and gets the education she needs.

but most of all, i pray that she comes to know Jesus Christ as her Savior. 

i just started this journey, but i know it's going to change my life.

whoever is kind to the needy honors God. -proverbs 14:31. [niv]

a little reminder.

© amber kanady photography

“if God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen,
don’t you think He’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you?” -luke 12:28. (MSG)

over the weekend.

this weekend, i:

• watched a lot of the OC and the golden girls.
• bought the cutest scarf and floral sunglasses from ae.
• went to church and heard a great message.
• cuddled with my sweet kitty.
• captured some pretty nature shots.
• ate the best homemade chicken pot pie.

there are only five weeks of tax season left!

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