a broken and repentant heart.

to say this weekend was tough would be the understatement of the year.
i got the news friday evening that a friend who i was extremely close to had been killed in a car accident.
her husband was killed as well, but their daughter survived.
the news was like a dagger in my heart. weeping and sobbing followed. and then there it was: guilt.

two years ago, i abruptly ended that friendship.
i gave her no reason, no explanation.
things had been said that hurt me to the core. i cut off all contact.

now jennifer will never know that i forgave her long ago.
she will never know that i still thought about her often.
she will never know that the hurt and pain i had is gone.
she will never know those things. i told mama recently that i wanted to reconcile with her.
i waited too late because now she is gone.

after two days of tears, guilt, and brokenness, i couldn't bear the burden anymore.
i opened my bible and there was leviticus 5:5:
"when you become aware of your guilt in any of these ways, you must confess your sin."
so that's exactly what i did.

it's going to take some time to heal. some days will be harder than others.
but the Lord has been working in my heart this year,
and i have no doubt He will use this for His glory in some way.

i came across psalm 51 this am. when king david realized his sin - broken and guilt-ridden - he called on nathan the prophet and poured out his soul. psalm 51 is my prayer for the coming days.
(and please keep the matt and jennifer's daughter and families in your prayers.)

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
² Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
³ For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
⁴ Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.
⁵ For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
⁶ But you desire honesty from the womb,
    teaching me wisdom even there.

⁷ Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Oh, give me back my joy again;
    you have broken me—
    now let me rejoice.
⁹ Don’t keep looking at my sins.
    Remove the stain of my guilt.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God.
    Renew a loyal spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not banish me from your presence,
    and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.
¹³ Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
    and they will return to you.
¹⁴ Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
    then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
¹⁵ Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.

¹⁶ You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
¹⁸ Look with favor on Zion and help her;
    rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—
    with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings.
    Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

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