healing.

fun high school memories

happy birthday, jennifer.

it's so hard to type those words. i feel like i don't deserve to say them.
after all, i am the one who ended the friendship.
i am the one who gave you no reason.
i am the one who shut you out of my life.

but for months, i wanted to contact you to tell you one thing: i'm not mad anymore. i'm not angry. my wounds are healed. i was holding on to that hurt for way too long.

that's the thing about bitterness: it eats you alive, invading your heart like poison. i ashamedly admit, for a time far too long, that poison festered. it seeped into my thoughts and into my heart. i was pleased with myself for ending the friendship. it took months, but God showed the motives of my heart. i repented. i just needed to tell you three simple but necessary words: i am sorry.

but then... you...  died. 

the words i wanted to say will never be spoken. the apology will not be heard.
not a day goes by that i don't think about you. i'm grateful for the memories.

the Lord is healing my heart. it's a constant battle between pain, anger, and questions.
the words of psalm 51 have helped me on the hard days.


*to whoever reads this: the pain of losing someone without asking for forgiveness is a burden far too heavy to carry. after eight months, i still must daily give it to God. they say time will heal all wounds, but "they" are wrong. God heals all wounds. i don't want someone to go through this same struggle. i am pleading with you right now: if there is unresolved conflict or forgiveness with someone who is/was in your life, please do not wait. pick up the phone, write a letter, send an e-mail, go to their house, message them on facebook, tweet them... do something. anything. don't let the hurt turn into bitterness. please, please, please, just do it. even if they want nothing to do with you, say the words. pour out your heart, and make it right.